Coping With Grief
Losing a loved one is a great hardship we face in life, especially when the loss is unexpected. What comes next, has been said to be worse than losing the person; Grief. Coming to terms with a loved one being gone and accepting their absence, now, that is the real challenge. The funny thing about grief is that it comes and goes as it pleases. We tend to distract and repress those thoughts and feelings, but grief always rears its ugly head. Now, how do we deal with it properly and effectively?
Elisabeth Kubler-Roth states that there are five stages of grief that we experience:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Denial—This stage occurs right after the loss. The individual is left in a state of shock, feels overwhelmed, or could completely deny that anything is happening, or anything is wrong. We start to questions if we could go on/should go on/how to go on. These questions are vital to start the healing process.
Ex: I can’t believe my husband was taken away from me so unexpectedly. How am I to go on without him?”
Anger—We could feel angry at ourselves, at the person/thing that was lost, or be angry at the situation. The anger could be powerful and not seem like it is directed towards any specific person. However, we need to allow ourselves to feel the anger and go through the emotions to heal properly.
Ex: “How could you leave me like this? How could you be so reckless?”
Bargaining—This stage looks like trying to make trades with a higher power in an effort to get the loved one back. Many “What if,” “Maybe,” and “I should” statements are made.
Ex: “God, I will love my wife entirely if you just bring her back.” “Maybe if you took me instead they could come back.”
Depression—This is the hardest and typically the longest stage. Reality begins to set in and the realization that the person is gone. Feelings such as sadness, emptiness, guilt, sorrow appear. One can feel isolated, overwhelmed, have a lack of motivation, experience appetite and weight changes, as well as sleep disturbances. You may ponder upon questions like, “what is the point?” “Why them and not me?” “Can I even do this?" The depressive stage can be so engulfing that some seek grief counseling for help.
Acceptance—The final stage is accepting that this person is gone and they are not returning and that it is okay. It is also about accepting the emotions that we are currently having as well. During this stage, we start to feel like ourselves again, begin getting back to our daily routines, socializing, have answered the questions from the previous stages, and now feel that it is time to move on.
Ex: “I am saddened by the loss of my grandfather. Though, I know he is no longer in pain and is not suffering. I recognize what I am feeling, and it is okay for me to feel this way.”
View grief.com for more information on the stages of grief)
These stages are not linear, meaning that you can go back and forth between stages. There are also no distinct time periods allotted for each stage as well. The best way to handle grief is to process through it and attack it head-on. Let’s go over some ways in which you could process through the grief you may be experiencing.
Identify the stage of grief you are in
Sometimes we get lost in grief while trying to heal and deal with life as It comes. This can make things overwhelming and frustrating. It can be really helpful to identify what stage of grief you are in and compartmentalize the thoughts and emotions that you are feeling to help alleviate that struggle. As you are working through the thoughts and feelings, ask yourself, “Is this related to the loss or is this something else.” This will allow you to focus on the grief aspects and not get them entangled with other day-to-day concerns.
Challenge the anger/depression
Anger and depression are powerful emotions that can take control if we let them. It is not a wonder why they are apart of the five stages of grief. The best way to process and work through these stages is to challenge them. Answer the questions that arise. Question the thoughts that come into your head. Do you evidence for or against the thought? Identify your triggers and find ways to either cope or avoid them until the emotional effect dwindles. Here are a few examples:
Thought: “How am I going to keep living without my husband?” – Answer this question. Well, how are you going to keep living?
Possible answers: I can continue to go to work, take care of myself, pay my bills, eat food, see my family when I can, etc.
Thought: “I will never be anything without them.” –Whoa there, what evidence do you have for this? Let’s break it down. Keep in mind, the evidence must be concrete and provable. Evidence cannot be "feelings" as feelings change too often and are easily influenced.
Looks like we have a lot of evidence against the thought than for the thought. This means that this is an irrational belief. How can we reframe this thought?
Ex: Though I will have to live my life without them and I will miss them, I will continue to live my life!
Anger and depression are so powerful that I can change our automatic thoughts into being quite irrational. It is up to us, to challenge those thoughts when they arise so they do not become ingrained beliefs. Holding the flame to depression and anger, fighting against them, and figuring them out are the best ways to overcome those stages!
Write a letter/record a video to your loved one
Writing a letter to the person/thing lost can provide a sense of relief as if something was lifted off your shoulders. The letter can either be about whatever you choose such as: saying goodbye, forgiveness, anger, things that are currently happening in your life, reminiscing on memories. You can write as many letters as you wish, ensuring that they are beneficial to you. If writing is not your thing, try recording a video on your phone. Read the letter or watch the video. How are you feeling reading/playing this video back? Take some time to sit with your emotions and acknowledge that they are there. When you are ready, it is time to send. As for sending the letter, you can send it to their address and leave the return address blank, burn the letter, as if sending it off to the heavens, or simply rip it up and throw it away. When it comes to videos, you can either email the vid or simply delete it. Make it your own and take all the time you need.
Practicing Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is a helpful technique that is a part of distress tolerance. Radical acceptance asks us to:
1. Identify the upsetting event
2. Think about what caused the event and other factors. State the facts.
3. Accepting the feelings that we are experiencing and understanding that we can’t change what has happened.
4. Creating a plan for how to deal with this situation in the future.
5. Using coping statements that can alleviate distress in the present moment
This technique is not only useful to aid in the grieving process but is useful for daily life situations as well. Here is an example to review:
The coping statements are critical in practicing radical acceptance. It reaffirms the beliefs that we cannot control everything, that we are entitled to these feelings, that we cannot change what has been cemented in time, and that all of these things are perfectly OKAY.
Please visit Dialectical Behavioral Therapy's website for more information and a helpful video on radical acceptance!
Find a special way/create a tradition that allows you to keep their memory alive
Our loved ones mean so much to us and seeing them go is a devastating blow. Finding a special way or creating a tradition that keeps their memory alive is a great way to remember them, cope/accept with their departure, and even feel like they are still here with us. What is something that you used to do with the person that you can continue to do? What can you create now to remember them? -- Visiting their grave? Going to you all’s favorite spot? Listening to their favorite songs on their birthday? I'm sure we have all seen and cried at Disney/Pixar’s film “CoCo.” Without culturally appropriating, would creating an alter for them help? There are many ways for you to remember and keep that person's memory alive for years to come. Do whatever feels right for you!
To those who are grieving: My deepest condolences for your loss. I wish you comfort and tranquility during this difficult time. Remember, to take care of yourself first.
To those we have lost: We hope that you have eternal peace and have found solace wherever you are. No more pain or sorrow just freedom and happiness. Please, continue to watch over and protect us as we navigate through our lives. You are forever loved and missed. Till we meet again.
TiL next time, Peace ☮
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